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Rarely, if ever, do we enter into bondage willingly or knowingly. Often, we pursue something meant to bless us and we hold onto it too tight or too long and it makes us its slave.
For example, the Israelites didn't go to Egypt and say, "hey we're here to be your slaves for the next 400 years." No, instead, they went to Egypt to find food because they were facing famine and Egypt -- thanks to Joseph, a guy sold into bondage by his brothers -- had more than enough food. But instead of accepting the blessing of help and getting back to business, they stuck around and soon found themselves enslaved.
Same thing happens in our homeschools. Well, in our lives in general, but we'll stick to homeschooling.
Maybe you pulled your children out of institutional school because there was a famine of learning due to bullying, learning challenges, curriculum limitations or something else. Whatever it is, that classroom environment was not good and your child was starving for a personalized education and you decided homeschool was the blessing.
So you start homeschooling. You pick a curriculum or a co-op because it checks the boxes and meets the need. Everything is going great! Your kid is getting what he needs, you're all happy and doing well. But, sooner than you thought, things get hard. Harder than they should be. And you start wondering if you made the right choice. Maybe starving in the institution was better than this misery. You feel caught between a rock and a hard place because what you're doing isn't working any more and going back to school isn't an option.
But you don't know what to do, it doesn't seem like there's a way out and you don't want to fail.
This is something Ginger and I hear all the time and we've experienced it in our own homeschools too. We've joined co-ops because that was "the thing" to do. We've bought curricula because it was all the rage. We've enrolled in classes because we thought it was better for our kids to learn something from a professional.
The curriculum made me feel like a circus dog jumping through hoops for no good reason. The pressure of the co-op made me feel like a tightrope walker. I wanted the blessing of a good, beautiful education and the enrichment of community and connection but what I ended up with was this horrible trapped feeling that I came to recognize as bondage.
Bondage to the curriculum or the co-op has 5 main symptoms:
1. Anxiety: this can show up in the parent or the child, and often in both. It can be feeling like we're not keeping up either with the work of the curriculum, in understanding the material, or with the other families in the co-op. Or it can be feeling like we're losing time. Maybe the class takes too much of our school time, or being out of the house for co-op keeps us feeling like we're not getting other school done. Or maybe it's the expense of the class, the curriculum or the co-op that makes us anxious because we're living on one income and the dollar doesn't stretch as far anymore. Those are the causes of the anxiety, but what does it look or feel like? For kids, it can be crying, emotional outbursts, clinginess, acting out, checking out, self-isolating, repeated vague sickness, sleeping too much, not sleeping enough, bed-wetting, worrying about things whether they're school-related or not. For mamas, it can be insomnia, laziness, irritability, manic cleaning, headaches. Sometimes anxiety looks like ADHD and sometimes it looks like Eyeore.
2. Peer Pressure: the obvious one here is peer pressure in our kids. They pick up bad habits, start acting in ways we haven't seen before, or show off in front of other kids. There can be rebellion, disobedience or reluctance to do school. But, we moms are also susceptible to peer pressure. We want to keep up with the cool moms or the moms who look like they're rocking it. We buy the things they buy, we dress the way they dress, we school the way they school, we choose things we wouldn't have chosen had we not been pressured to do so.
3. Comparison: often one of the things causing the anxiety or a result of the peer pressure is comparison. Both we and our kids start comparing ourselves to the other families using the same curriculum or to the other families in the co-op. We start measuring ourselves against them instead of our own standard. We feel like we're not as good as them, not as smart as them, not as social, not as rich. And that keeps us on the hamster wheel of whatever is not working for us because we're sure if we just try harder we'll "get it" the way they are. The old idea of the "grass is greener" is comparison. Maybe our bondage isn't sticking with something that doesn't work but instead it's jumping ship every time a new fad comes along because we compare our hard with their easy.
4. Feeling Stuck: I think this might be the most missed sign of bondage. We feel stuck. The coursework is too much but we feel like we have to do it all. The time commitment of the co-op limits our ability to do other things but we don't step back. The schedule we keep with extra-curricular activities runs us ragged but we can't give it up because the kids have to be "well-rounded" and "socialized". The teaching style doesn't match our child's learning style, but we don't know how to fix it. The expense means taking another job or cutting back on something else. But we don't see how we can change it or we feel like we can't or shouldn't, so we stay stuck.
5. Fear and Guilt: these are really at the root of all the other feelings and symptoms. They weave their ugly tentacles into every aspect of homeschooling and choke out the joy if you let them. They're also the root cause of why we stick to something that isn't serving us anymore. They're the reason why we stay enslaved. We have fear that if we leave the co-op or change the curriculum, our kids won't have a good enough education, enough experiences or proper socialization. We have guilt and shame that we can't do it ourselves, that we don't know how to give our kids what they need, that we're not professionals, and that if we do it differently we're going to somehow screw them up. We worry about what our friends at co-op will think if we leave, we are afraid the people using the same curriculum will feel judged if we switch, and we're scared that if we go against the flow we won't have any friends.
So, what can we do if we recognize these things happening in and to ourselves and our kids?
Well, it's time for critical thinking, observation, reflection and a heart check. Ask yourself some hard questions:
why am I using this curriculum or a part of this co-op?
what specifically is causing bondage? can I eliminate that without changing curriculum or leaving co-op?
what are my "big picture" goals for my kids and my homeschool? are these things in line with that? (probably not, if you're feeling enslaved!)
are there tweaks I can make without tossing it all out the window?
do I need to just toss it all out the window?
why am I reticent to change?
what am I sacrificing by not changing?
if I could do this any way I wanted, if money or time was no object, what would it look like?
You need to talk to someone you trust and get their perspective. This is an excellent time to talk to your husband and ask him what he thinks about the stress in your homeschool, what's causing it and what you can do about it. It's also a good time to talk to your kids and see how they're feeling about things. And, it's a good idea to talk to other moms, moms whose homeschool is different than yours, moms who have been there before, and a mom with whom you aren't comparing or competing.
And if you're a praying person, man, this is the time when the knees hit the floor.
The thing about bondage is that it kind of sneaks up on us. We don't willingly cuff ourselves to sacrifice or slavery. Usually the curriculum, program, class or co-op dangles something really attractive or promises something really amazing and we find ourselves taking the bait. That's not to say that that curriculum or co-op isn't fabulous, or doesn't produce great results for some people. But it is true that it doesn't produce fabulous results for all people.
If it's not bringing you joy, if it's not meeting your needs, if it's not feeding your child educationally and creating a deep love of learning in their hearts, then it's not for you and you need to move on to something that will.
This is hard stuff, mama. I know because I've been there. It stinks to drop a few hundred dollars on a beautiful curriculum for it to make you miserable. Been there. And it's really sad to commit to a co-op or a class that ends up sucking the life out of you. Been there, too.
So don't go it alone. Don't feel alone. You're not alone. We all go through it. But the thing is, you don't have to stay there. You have the ability, the resources, the tools and the people to make the changes you need. And if you're having a hard time believing that or recognizing those things, then email me. I will gently encourage and help you identify the culprit and make changes.
You don't have to stay enslaved. But the first step to freedom is yours.
Love,
Kristy